


I Know

by samsg1



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Episode: s07e21-22 Lost City, Episode: s07e22 Lost City Part 2, Episode: s08e01-02 New Order, F/M, Flashbacks, Fluffy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Mild Language, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-19
Updated: 2020-08-22
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:41:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25986820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/samsg1/pseuds/samsg1
Summary: Sam experiences traumatic flashbacks on Thor's ship after her capture by Fifth. Thor has to edit her memories to help her. Oh lookie what memory the guys end up accidentally seeing! Yes, this is a S/J ship fic! :DStarts off fairly dark but ends up  super fluffy. If you don't like mentions of torture or violence and references of rape feel free to skip onward to Chapter 3, the story will still make sense without the first two chapters.
Relationships: Samantha "Sam" Carter/Jack O'Neill
Comments: 29
Kudos: 79





	1. Unwelcome Memories

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to tinknevertalks for beta-ing the first part of this story way back in May. I then lost my muse until it found me again almost four months later!
> 
> This story is AU:  
> Assumes that Fifth never mentioned to Sam that it was O’Neill that was attacking the Replicators in the virtual world, none of that farm simulation happened- in fact THERE IS NO PETE (hurray!), and that Sam had remained unconscious on Othalla when she was rescued by SG-1.
> 
> There are lots of quotes (some edited, some exact, a few made up using a Goa’uld dictionary) from ‘Jolinar’s Memories’, ‘Abyss’, ‘Death Knell’, ‘Lost City pt 1&2’ and of course ‘New Order pt1&2’. See if you can spot them all!

Rudely awoken and completely disorientated, Jack found himself blind and immobile in a sea of void. His mind briefly invoked the last image his retinas had captured: her face, giving him strength in this abyss of nothingness. Groping around limblessly in the darkness he found- wait, what the-?! Conduits? Datastores? How on Earth did he get here? Wait, he wasn't on Earth at all! He was connected to an Asgard ship’s mainframe, of all places! Christ, what the hell had happened to him? His last clear memory was of talking in the commissary, and maybe something about crosswords? Wait, it was coming back to him- ah, that was it. He’d gone and put his head in that dang head sucker again. Ah crap.

Lost and adrift in a sea of unintelligible algorithms, he found his consciousness pulled towards logs pertaining to Carter. He anchored himself to the data for safety, clinging on to the notion of her. Accessing the recordings his mind’s eye was shown a vision of Thor’s ship being boarded by damn bugs, and he saw to his concern as she was beamed away onto the Replicator ship. Well wasn’t that just peachy. Apparently it had only happened two days prior, not that time seemed to have any semblance of meaning in this void. He continued on to see the failed attempt at self-destruction of Thor’s ship the- wait, the _Daniel Jackson_?

‘Really, Thor? Surely ‘the Sam Carter’ would have been a better name? Wasn’t she his favourite human with- at least in his eyes- dumb ideas?’. He tried not to think about the fact that she was certainly his favourite human, at any rate.

On he watched to see as they’d pursued the Replicator ship to the Asgard homeworld and- no! It couldn’t be! He frantically poured through the scan data of the destruction in Orilla’s orbit for anything the Daniel Jackson might have missed in determining the outcome, but there could be no doubt. The replicator ship’s destruction had been complete. Carter was gone.

\---------------------

Hours later her face lay pale under the cold lights aboard Thor’s ship, body resting upon the metal table. Aside from suffering from dehydration, and some bruising on her wrists and throat, the Asgard’s scan had concluded that she was mostly physically unharmed from her ordeal with Fifth. Upon seeing the darkened marks on her throat Jack had wanted to wrap his grip around the damn bug’s own throat for daring to lay a finger on Carter. He’d been simultaneously relieved and horrified to see the pixelated image of her restrained in that replicator block cell on the ship’s display before their rescue of her, unconscious on the planet’s canopy floor. She was alive- _thank god_. But he couldn’t help but dread to find out what the hell that bastard had done to her in the two days he’d held her. What had he even wanted with her? Nothing good, was all he could surmise.

As the _Daniel Jackson_ continued to speed back towards the Milky Way, its passengers waiting around in silent vigil waiting for a sign of consciousness from their rescued teammate, Jack found his more recent memories slowly seeping back. He’d failed the crossword bet with Carter. Dang, fifty bucks gone, he thought, though Carter’s reaction to his made-up answers had been worth it. Truthfully, he’d never even had a remote chance of winning the bet, he’d just wanted the excuse to banter and joke with his favourite person. No, not person, he shouldn't be thinking that. Just his favourite Major. Yes, that was better. 

He wondered if she enjoyed those types of moments as fun as he did. Of course, he thought, her idea of 'fun' could be looking at quarks in a reactor or blowing up a sun, but she certainly seemed to laugh at his jokes more often than most people. Or perhaps she was just being a good coworker simply trying to appease her commanding officer? If only she knew the effortless way a smile from her at one of his jokes could make his heart feel so light. It was probably a good thing that she didn’t know that one single, bright glance from those blue eyes could make his entire day. 

He remembered the feel of the butterflies in his belly as he’d called her a National Treasure when she'd visited him at his house after the head-sucking. She’d chosen to come alone, and had seemed like she was nervous. He knew he certainly had been, too. He recalled with a jolt the building intimacy of their conversation before the Spacemonkey and T had interrupted. Good thing, too, since Hammond had then showed up unannounced, proclaiming to each of their surprise that he’d been retired, and that a civilian woman with either brown or blonde hair (he couldn’t recall which) had taken charge.

While he couldn’t remember too much after returning to the SGC, he’d since been filled in on some details by Teal’c and Daniel while awaiting Carter to regain consciousness. They’d apparently traipsed across the galaxy and back again on a hunt for some power source before he'd personally shot down Anubis’ fleet with some Ancient tech. _“Sweet,”_ he’d commented aloud at that- saving the planet for what was probably the fiftieth time by now. He wondered if he’d be getting yet another medal for his heroism. Honestly, a year’s supply of beer would do fine. Or else another pay rise would be good; he’d happily stick it all in Cassie’s college fund. 

And then Teal’c had told him that he’d been turned into a popsicle in Antarctica for over two months. His first reaction was one of despair at all the episodes of The Simpsons he hadn’t taped! ‘Ugh, why does it always have to be Antarctica,’ he thought. That damned place was definitely cursed. The last time he’d gone there he’d picked up a goddam Ancient flu and nearly died and then had to- no, he didn’t want to go there. And the time before that he’d broken his ribs and nearly frozen to death! 

_’No giggling.’_

Okay, looking back, almost freezing to death snuggling with a giggling Captain Carter probably wasn’t his worst memory, he smiled to himself.

His eyes moved away from her unconscious form to admire the honking big anti-replicator space gun now displayed before them. Although he couldn’t remember how he’d done it, he was feeling quite smug that he’d apparently designed and built it. _Him!_ He couldn’t help but grin as he imagined Carter’s eyes lighting up in astonishment and curiosity when she woke up, marvelling at his creation, asking him all about it. He imagined she’d be pretty relieved to see him, too. He didn’t think she’d have been too happy to have had to leave him in Antarctica for so long. Daniel and Teal’c had exchanged a knowing glance when he’d asked them as subtly as possible about how she’d held up. Apparently he owed her big for having apparently had the guts to essentially blackmail the new base leader for permitting the rescue mission that had landed her in this mess in the first place. Then she’d been nearly sucked into a black hole saving him! Christ! Maybe he could bake her a cake to say thanks. Was there such a thing as blue jello cake? And with thoughts of sweet desserts his stomach gave a huge growl, suddenly aware it had been sitting empty in his belly for the last two months.

Several moments later he saw movement from the table, drawing him away from his food and Carter-related thoughts, and he made his way to her side, bending down close to the side of her face.

“Wakey, wakey, Sleeping Beauty,” he crooned into her ear. Pulling back to a more professional distance he watched with anticipation as her eyes fluttered open, eager to see that thousand-watt smile again and her look of surprise to see him… 

But it never came. He was immediately struck by how _cold_ and rigid her eyes were. Locked with his own but giving zero sign of recognition. He saw her furrow her brows before sitting up, scanning her surroundings, then crossing the room and sitting down with her back against the metal wall, arms folded tight. Her eyes were again fixed on his, boring into him with an expression of pure loathing, sending a shudder down his spine.

“Carter?”

“Sam?”

Both Daniel and Jack had started at the same time, but Jack decided to remain silent and leave the talking to Daniel, he was after all better at this kind of stuff, not to mention he wasn’t the one currently being stared daggers at.

He watched as Daniel moved to encroach on Sam, but she kept her stern eyes locked on his. ‘Why me?’ he thought.

“Sam?” Daniel tried again, but her head didn’t turn in his direction. He surmised that she either couldn’t hear him, or was choosing to ignore him completely.

“Sam, do you know where you are?” Daniel questioned soothingly. “We’re on Thor’s ship,” and he pointed out the grey alien across the room, half-hidden behind a control panel, but her eyes didn’t follow his fingers. “You were captured by Fifth-“ and Jack saw her give the tiniest twitch. So she can hear him, he thought. “-but we got you back, Sam.”

Jack was feeling uneasy at Carter's continued staring now. He decided to break away from her eyes, turning away to look at Thor, the feel of her eyes still burning into the back of his head.

“Thor, buddy, are you sure you put all the pieces back in the right places when you beamed her up off the planet?”

“I am certain,” Thor answered patiently, nevertheless pushing some buttons on his control panel, perhaps to check on something. Seconds later, an open glass container of liquid appeared on the console. “However Major Carter is severely dehydrated, she must consume water. This solution should provide sufficient hydration in addition to some essential nutrients.”

As he was nearest to the console, Jack decided to take the glass beaker and bring it steadily to her. He wasn’t sure how she would react, or if it was a good idea for him to be bringing it at all, but he couldn’t stand to see her stare at him with such loathing and felt the need to try something. He was, after all, a man of action.

“Hey Carter,” he said, mustering his best jovial voice. “Thor says you’re thirsty. Have some of this. Don’t know if it’ll taste good,” he tried to keep his tone light, “I remember what you said about the cuisine last time you were with Thor,” he said, forcing himself to chuckle to try to break some of the thick tension in the air. He handed her the beaker, and he saw with relief as she finally broke her stare from him to look at its contents.

“The Blood of Sokar will cloud your mind,” she mumbled, eyes glazed, fixated upon the glass still in his hands. Something jogged in his memory. Wait, he knew that phrase. That thing on Netu over four years ago? What the hell was she talking about that for?

“Did she just say ‘the Blood of Sokar’?’ Jack heard Daniel whisper in an astonished voice to Teal’c from across the room, and turned to look at Daniel hoping for some theory as to what was going on when he almost jumped out of his skin as she suddenly shouted-

“We’ve come to see Bynarr!”

“Carter, what the hell?” he barked in surprise. “Well, obviously not actual hell, we’ve already been-”

“I'm Samantha Carter, host of Jolinar of Malkshur,” she interrupted his self-admittedly lame joke as though she hadn’t heard him, projecting her voice towards a blank wall.

“Carter, you’re on Thor’s ship,” Jack tried, not expecting her to respond. This wasn’t looking good. Her eyes were unfocused. She was totally out of it.

Her demeanor suddenly changed. Her eyes flashed with defiance. “Arik tree-ac te kek,” she spat in a proud, uncharacteristically low, confident voice.

‘Crap,’ thought Jack, ‘she’s started spouting Goa’uld words now.’ He looked back at Daniel and was glad that he promptly gave the translation without having to be asked.

“We do not surrender even in death.”

“Perhaps Jolinar of Makshur spoke these words in capture long ago?” Teal’c postulated.

“If she’s reliving buried memories then what do we do?” he asked. It was like that time with the memory device all those years ago. Or when Teal’c was seeing his life flash before his eyes doing that Rite of Sharon thing. He just hoped Carter wouldn’t start talking about fabric. 

“He blames you. But Mom is dead.”

“Huh?” Jack mouthed back towards Daniel, but he simply gave a shrug back. Teal’c beside him merely cocked his eyebrow in mute concern.

She suddenly gasped, head rolling back in apparent agony before screaming, “Shut it off! Shut it off!”

He knew then for sure her mind was back on the cargo ship on the way to Netu. Jack gripped her shoulders and yelled, “Carter! Snap out of it!” and she stopped in an instant. He thought he’d gotten through to her when he saw a disturbing look of smug satisfaction appear on her face.

“Shee’ka Tok’ra,” she said coolly, smirking in that confident, low voice again. “Kronus, rak'lo najaquna shel're hara kek!”

“She’s talking to Kronus,” Daniel supplied in an instant. “In the name of the Tok’ra, it’s time for you to die.”

“Jolinar of Malkshur strongly opposed Kronus,” Teal’c added. “Perhaps she faced him directly some time ago.”

“Obviously she wasn’t successful though,” Daniel interjected. “He was the one who sent the Ashrak to kill her.”

“No wait, this is not right. This is not real,” Carter said in a normal, but pleading voice, eyes re-focused on the glass in his hands.

“That’s right Carter! You’re-”

“Quell shak!” she interrupted with a plea, before suddenly screaming “No!!” and she batted the glass right out of his hand, liquid spattering over himself and Carter’s torsos, the vessel clattering to the floor with a loud crack. She gripped her soaked chest and gritted her teeth as though fighting pain. “You son of a bitch!” she snarled at him.

“I’ll try not to take that personally,” he said light-heartedly, inwardly reflecting that he had never, ever heard Carter used such a phrase. She hardly ever even cursed at all, not even when a mission was going badly wrong, which often seemed to happen to the flagship team. He turned to his friends. “Guys we really need a plan here. Thor?”

“O’Neill, I am attempting to scan-”

“No mission,” she suddenly choked out. She was pulling at her liquid-soaked chest, grasping at the material of her shirt as though it was burning her. “I’ve never been here,” she gasped in remembered pain again. Then looking exasperated she yelled, “What female?!”

‘No, no, no, that’s not possible,’ he thought in horrified realisation, staggering backwards in shock. She couldn’t possibly be recounting what he thought she was. He wouldn’t let his mind go back there, back to the fortress he’d worked so hard to shut out. He tried hard to fight against all those long-suppressed feelings of loathing and pain and fear that were rising fresh back up in him as though the whole incident had happened just last week. ‘Shit, there’s no way,’ he thought, clinging on to denial as though his life depended on it. ‘It _has_ to be a coincidence.’ He could hear Daniel and Teal’c in whispered discussion but the sound of his heart hammering in his ears drowned out their words. Panic was threatening to engulf him. He took a few deep breaths and counted to ten in an attempt to steady himself and regain some control before speaking. One of the few things he’d ever taken away from therapy years and years ago before he'd ended up shunning all shrinks.

“Thor, buddy, how’s it coming?” he asked as casually-sounding as possible, finding it hard to mask the shaking in his voice.

“Major Carter is displaying signs of agitation.”

“Ya think?!” He was feeling pretty damn agitated himself.

“It used me,” she said. _It_ being that goddam fucking traitorous snake, he thought. She was recounting his exact words in that hellhole. He felt himself frozen to the spot, overwhelmed with dread. “If I knew the name, I'd give you the damn name!” she shouted out.

Adrenaline coursed through his limbs making them shake. He absolutely knew those words that he'd spoken last year. His heart was now pounding so hard against his ribcage he thought it might burst open.

‘Don’t, please don’t,’ he thought, petrified with loathing and hatred towards that damn System Lord and the other fucking traitorous snake that he couldn’t even bring himself to name in his head. Unable to face the trauma again, what had felt like the longest and easily worst experience of his life- even worse than Iraq- he had handed in the shortest mission report he had ever written.

_July 19 2002_  
_Got sick, snaked, unsnaked_  
_Died revived ad infinitum._  
_Ba’al is a sonofabitch_  
_Never trust the damn Tok’ra_  
_Signed, Col. Jonathan J. O’Neill_

He’d known the report was practically insubordination on paper, but General Hammond clearly hadn’t had the heart to ask for a more detailed one. Nor had the Pentagon, that he’d ever heard of.

And now her face had the pain and suffering he’d been unable to pen down written all over it. A hot wave of nausea was rising in him. He was sickened to imagine that she was now seeing everything that had happened to him with her mind’s eye. The thought both enraged and, frankly, embarrassed. He didn’t want Carter to see him, so, _vulnerable_. He’d died over and over in that shithole back then, then the damn sarcophagus withdrawal had been a complete doozy before he'd barely gotten through, grasping onto the last sliver of sanity he now had left. He’d only been able to come out of it by hastily building up his barriers, going about pretending everything was fine, just like he always did. But now seeing his own pain reflected back at him in her face was threatening to shatter everything.

“Thor get those memories the hell out of her!” he barked at the Commander.

“O’Neill, I am unsure whether such an action is even possible,” he replied calmly, continuing to work at the console.

“You did it when I went Ancient, _twice_!” he yelled, holding up three fingers deliberately, finding the recollection of pissing off Kinsey a couple of years back a momentary respite.

“Jack, Thor’s trying his best”- started Daniel.

“Shut up, Daniel.” He could see both men’s look of surprise and concern in the corner of his eye but he didn’t care enough to try to keep his anger in check.

“O’Neill, those implanted memories carried a specific marker making them easily identifiable for extraction.”

“Oh for cryin’ out loud!” He threw his hands up in the air in annoyance, then ran them through his hair in unconscious self-comfort, turning back to Carter.

“The Tok'ra have been a nuisance for centuries,” snarled Sam in a precise recantation of Ba’al. Her smug expression and stance was the _exact_ spitting image of that bastard. The sight brought vomit instantly up to his throat. He had to turn away and move as far as possible from her before he accidentally punched her, or else vomited on her. “They've become all the more…insidious. Like…acid…”

Tasting bile in his mouth, he ran to Thor’s side, leaning against the control panel for support, his legs buckling from the wave of rising panic.

“Jack?” questioned Daniel again.

“Don’t!” shouted Carter, still clutching her chest in obvious agony. He felt himself put his own hand unconsciously to his chest, recalling the feel of the acid melting through his flesh like a hot knife through butter. He could smell the sharp stench of his own skin burning. He could see the sneering face. He screwed his eyes in grimace at the unwelcome flashback of the long-suppressed torment and braced for what he knew would come next. 

“Kanan! That’s the name. Kanan!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you watch New Order part 1 when the images flash when Fifth is torturing her, you will see that she is shown Jack being tortured by Ba'al, as well as Teal'c being hurt by a pain stick.


	2. Going Nuts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one has mentions of rape, and a little violence, proceed with caution.

“What the hell is going on?! Jack?” he heard Daniel question, unable to see him with his eyes still screwed shut.

“How is it that Major Carter has acquired the memory of Colonel O’Neill?” Teal’c posited. “Unless, perhaps… the human-form Replicators...”

Jack was unable to speak, his mind still deep in that hell-hole, but what he was hearing made sense. Fighting to force back the still-raw memories, he recalled their capture on that replicator block planet the previous year. The repli-guy who’d called himself ‘One’ had stuck his hand in his head and invaded his mind. He grimaced at the memory, though he’d take it over being knifed over and over by a bastard snakehead any day.

“I wasn’t there,” he heard Daniel remind Teal’c. “What happened?”

“Nor was I,” added Thor. “Please elaborate, Teal’c.”

“The human-form Replicators captured us and probed our minds by placing their hand inside our heads. They were able to gain access to our knowledge and memories directly.”

“In much the same way that individual replicator blocks share and communicate information,” Thor began, “is it possible that the individual who captured Major Carter had access to the memories of Colonel O’Neill from your prior capture?”

“But why?” Daniel asked.

“I don't want to see this cell again, Daniel!” she suddenly yelled, and Jack recalled himself speaking those words to Daniel in the cell when he was still glowy. 

Deciding he’d recovered just enough to trust opening his mouth to speak and not throw up, he unscrewed his eyes and saw a perplexed Daniel. “Because Fifth must be pissed. Mega pissed.”  
He looked over to see the whimpering form of Carter, alone in the corner.  
“You angered the human-form replicator?” asked Thor.

“Yeah,” he replied, turning to Thor. “We lied to him. We used him to escape.”

“He was betrayed by us,” Teal’c clarified. A stony silence fell, until it was broken by Carter’s pleading voice again.

“I never intended to abandon you. It wasn't my decision!” Jack felt the burn of bile return in his throat. A stab of guilt hit him harder than any knife of Ba’al’s ever did. He had given the order for Carter to abandon Fifth, against her wishes, and now he must have taken out his revenge on her. And it was all his fault. And worse still, he had used his own dark memories to punish her. It was just unthinkable.

“There was no time. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what we did to you,” she implored, tears rolling down her face. He found himself blinking back tears that stung his own eyes. ‘I’m sorry for what I did to you, Carter,’ he thought. He’d never known her to ever cry under torture, how bad must it have been for her to have broken like this?

“I am beginning to isolate her most recent memories,” Thor interrupted. “There appears to be what I would liken to significant, compressed data.”

“Compressed data?” repeated Daniel.

A long stretch of images began to fill the main monitor, filing in from the right side, moving and squashing together like a film reel. One image reminded Jack of a spider, but the other images were quickly becoming too thin to make out.

“Part of being human is having compassion. Learning to forgive,” Carter implored, her sobs abating.

“The ship logged Major Carter as being absent for only a period of less than two Earth days, however the amount of data I have measured signifies that she has accrued memories to the equivalent of approximately three Earth weeks.”

“What?!” both Daniel and Jack started simultaneously.

“Are you saying that in her mind she spent three weeks being mind-raped by that bug!?” Jack yelled.

“If I understand your terminology correctly, then yes, that is correct, O’Neill.”

“No wonder she’s gone nuts!”

He saw as Carter began to scream and scratch at her arms, as though trying to brush off something unseen. “Get them off! Get them off!!” ‘ _Them?’_ His mind evoked the image of the spider he thought he’d recognized on Thor’s screen. Could she possibly be seeing spiders crawling on her?

“Carter! There’s nothing there!” he yelled, crossing the room back towards her, feeling like he needed to do something.

“O’Neill, her mind has been overloaded with data, for lack of a better description,” said Thor. “Her brain is mostly unable to process outward stimuli.”

“It’s a bit like what happened to you both times when you had the Ancient library downloaded,” Daniel recalled morosely. “By the end sometimes it was like you couldn’t understand or even hear us.” 

He hesitated, briefly grimacing at the thought of himself going Ancient zombie on all of them, but then dove straight for her as she renewed her screaming and he saw her begin to claw maniacally at the skin on her right forearm, drawing blood.

“My sensors indicate that Major Carter is in a state of high distress,” Thor warned, beeping alerts signalling from his computer.

“Get them out!” she screamed, fingernails frantically gouging at her flesh. Teal’c and Daniel also both ran to her side.

“Sam, it’s not real!”

“Major Carter, you must cease at once!”

“Carter, stop!” They all shouted in unison.

Jack tried to rip her arm away to stop her from hurting herself more and suddenly his face was met with a full-on strike from Carter’s clenched fist. He stumbled backwards into Daniel, both clattering to the floor. “Ouch,” he said, clasping his jaw. His head reeled for a second, but despite the pain, he was quite relieved to see that she still had some fight in her left.

Teal’c, unsurprisingly, had better luck restraining her. Locking her arms behind her back, she was held in position towering over himself and Daniel- still in a heap on the floor- and was back to staring into his eyes with that look of loathing she’s originally worn when she’d first woken up.

“I know who you are, I just don't understand why,” she said with voiced distaste. “What do you want from me? Why are you doing this?”

“Carter, I’m not Fifth! You’re on Thor’s ship!”

“I don’t think she can hear us, Jack,” Daniel said, steadying himself back onto his feet.

“I know this isn’t real!” she yelled at him.

“That’s right, Carter! Fight!”

“No matter what you do I will never submit to you!” and at those words he saw Teal’c decide to release her, confident that she would no longer harm herself.

“Atta girl,” he said, feeling genuine pride for her, and watched with relief the hate and rage dissolve from her eyes, only to see her entire demeanor suddenly shift to fear. She hastily retreated to the back wall again, looking all around, motioning on her side with her wounded arm as though searching for a firearm that she did not have on her.

“Thor,” Teal’c inquired, “is there a way to remove the memories now that you have isolated them?”

“I am working on a solution, but it will take time. It would not be a simple procedure.”

“Carter,” Jack started, but she continued to scan her surroundings, eyes glazed over again. Then, staying close to the wall, she slunk stealthily towards an open doorway.

“Lelmar’toe’keem,” she whispered harshly, to no one in particular.

“Shut up,” said Daniel.

“What?!” he whispered irritatedly, choosing to mimic Carter’s voice level.

“No, that’s what she said,” replied Daniel.

“Ah, right.”

He continued to watch as Carter carefully peered around the doorway into the blank corridor outside before snapping back in sight, pressing herself motionless against the wall. He’d seen her do this well-rehearsed maneuver a thousand times on missions off-world. On Goa’uld motherships, sneaking through enemy bases, or supposedly-abandoned temples. You name it. He wondered which memory of hers, his, or even Teal’c’s now that he thought about it- he’d had a bug’s hand shoved in his head, too- she was reenacting.

“'Udkhul wakhale sirawalik," she spat in a commanding voice, then, her face twisting in disgust, she reluctantly moved her hands towards her pants’ waistband.  
He could feel Daniel looking at him with a wide-eyed look of realisation. Goddam that linguist, of course he knew Arabic, too. With a stinging jolt to the heart he recalled being ordered to strip down during his stint in that stinking Iraqi prison. Thankfully, the incident was so long ago that he’d long since compartmentalized the horror that had followed, and was able to recover quickly enough to reach out to stop her as she tugged down at her pants displaying the top half of her black panties.

“Take a good look, sons of bitches,” she goaded in what sounded like his own ticked-off tone. “This is the finest piece of ass the US has to offer.”

Under better circumstances he would have laughed and admittedly might have rather enjoyed the sight of Carter using profanity while removing her clothes. But this was an experience he would really, really not want Carter or hell, even his worst enemy to endure. He grabbed at her arms as Daniel tried to pull her pants back up to save her dignity. 

“Sam, you don’t want to be doing that,” Daniel said soothingly, trying his best to hide his own obvious embarrassment. Not much to his surprise, their attempts at helping her were met with hostile reaction. 

“Get off me! No! Please don’t do this to me again!” she yelled, swatting back against the men, flailing her limbs and kicking out in panic only to fall backwards on the floor. The men backed off to give her some space.

 _’Again,’_ she’d said. How many times had the bastard done this? Had he made her suffer through- he almost couldn’t let his mind think it- rape? Had Fifth actually taken front seat and raped her himself in her mind… or- remembering the marks on her throat and wrists- had he actually physically violated her real body? He blood boiled at the thought.

Scooching backwards and leaning the wall, panting, she was looking him straight in the eye and he knew that she was really seeing him there in front of her. She was pleading with him with her fear-filled eyes, tears welling up. “The real Jack O’Neill would never hurt me like his,” she whimpered in a small voice.

His heart shattered into pieces. That bastard! How could they ever recover from that? Even if it hadn’t actually been him, how could she ever forget what had been done to her when she looked at him ever again? He couldn’t take any more of this. 

“Thor,” he begged, “please tell me you have something.”

He saw as her eyes glazed back over again, unshed tears finally spilling out and rolling down her unmoving, expressionless face. 

“O’Neill, I do believe I have a solution.” _’Thank god,’_ he thought. “However she will need to be unconscious to undergo the procedure. Please administer an anesthetic using this vial,” and he saw a small object appear on the top of the console. 

“Can you not do your beamy thing and knock her out yourself?” he asked incredulously. Honestly with all his super Asgard technology, surely that was easy? But Thor merely stared at him with his beady black eyes, so he surrendered with a shrug of the shoulders. “Just thought I’d ask.” 

As he crossed the room he saw her body twitch back to life from the corner of his eye, her face staring at the ceiling. Daniel and Teal’c were keeping a close distance to her, so he chanced a glance away from her to take in the bottle. It appeared to be some kind of spray, like a malformed pepper pot, and equally grey.

“We're under attack. We just picked up Goa'uld ships entering the atmosphere,” he heard her state, and looking back saw her hands rummaging her pockets. Thank god she’s moved on from thinking I’m gonna rape her, he thought.

He guessed he needed to connect it to any piece of her skin, and figuring the quicker this was done the sooner this and any further impending traumatic episodes would be stopped, he impulsively snatched the spray and dashed back to Carter as quick as he could. She turned her head towards him in wide-eyed in terror, cowering back against the wall. The sight of her fearing him like this was killing him, and made him stop in his tracks.

“I don’t have the prototype! And if you kill me, you’ll never find where it is,” she pleaded to him. 

“Carter, I’m not going to kill you,” he tried in his best soothing voice, then looked at Daniel and Teal’c for help. How were they going to do this? But suddenly she was clasping tightly at her throat and coughing, eyes beaded in horror. Did she think she was being choked? But she was choking _herself._

“Sam!” Daniel shouted, reaching for her hands, only to be met with a knee to the groin, and doubled back in pain, cradling his netherregions. He decided to seize the opportunity of momentary distraction to grab at her- still choking herself- and tried to connect the spray to her bare forearm, only for her to lash out her limbs in silent panic. The spray was knocked out of his hand, skittering across the floor before smashing. Shit.

She was still gasping for breath, eyes bulging, face turning pale. Bleeping noises were sounding out. Where the hell was Teal’c? He couldn’t see him nearby. “Daniel gimme a hand here!” he yelled, and saw him recover and get up to join him in the scramble with Sam to release her own throat. 

“You must hurry,” he heard Thor call from behind him. “My sensors indicate that her rate of respiration is decreasing rapidly.”

“Teal’c where the hell are you!?” he barked, trying with all his might to peel her fingers clasped around her windpipe all the while trying to avoid her flailing attacks.

“Stand aside,” he suddenly heard the man’s voice boom from behind. 

“What the-?” and glancing behind, still tugging at Carter’s grip, he saw a zat pointed at himself. He saw Daniel look behind and understand too, and together they leapt out the way as the zat zinged open and sent the blue light rushing past his face, meeting its mark. Carter clattered to the floor, limbs falling loose by her side. He felt a knot form in his stomach. Was she alive? 

Daniel reached her first, and feeling her pulse, he quickly nodded reassuredly back to the men. “She’s breathing. She’s alright.”

“Thank god,” he managed between pants, trying to get his breath back. “Nice one, T.”

Teal’c merely smiled with a tilted bow of the head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up will be a lot lighter and a lot shippier!!


	3. They Know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For anyone who may have skipped the rough parts of Chapter 1 and 2 to start from here, here's a quick, safe recap:
> 
> During her capture by Fifth in New Order, Sam was tortured by her own memories, Jolinar's, Jack's and Teal'c's that Fifth'd gotten from the events of 'Unnatural Selection'. While she was only gone for two days, three weeks' worth of torture happened to her in her mind, causing her to have uncontrollable, even violent flashbacks. Jack finds it hard to face that she was tortured using his memories of Iraq and Ba'al and feels guilty. Teal'c zats her unconscious so Thor can access her mind and erase some of the memories. 
> 
> Trigger warning: There is the teeniest scene in this chapter where we see before Sam is raped, but it gets cut as short as I could manage it. It's about a fifth of the way through this chapter. Other than that, this chapter and onwards will be a lot lighter. And of course shippy <3

Her still form lay once again pale on the table under the bright lights. Except this time, instead of feeling eager anticipation of her awakening and being greeted by those bright blue eyes and that soul-warming smile of hers, this time he was filled with dread as he watched her. Dread at seeing that cold hatred and loathing directed at him once again if Thor couldn’t fix her. He pained to think how these memories would change her if they couldn’t be erased. Her soul would be tainted as black as his was. Even experienced second-hand there’d be no escaping the fight; the never-ending pain he carried that would become hers. She’d never be his Carter again.

“I am once again accessing her compressed memories,” and as Thor spoke they streamed in once again from the side across the screen. With a shudder, he caught a brief flash of Bynarr visibly undressed. Well that was a sight he could have lived his life without seeing. A glimpse of Teal’c being tortured with a pain stick also reached his eyes before the images had again bunched up too tight to discern any more. 

Some of the thin strips changed orange and started flashing.

“The highlighted memories are those which I have determined to be of particular intensity. While my ship is not accustomed to the more basic levels of human emotion,” to which Jack raised an eyebrow, “discerning and erasing traumatic ones should be simple.”

He exchanged a glance with Daniel, who looked nonplussed, shrugging. “Wouldn’t it be easier to just erase Sam’s entire memory of while she was captured by Fifth?”

“Major Carter may have learned information of strategic importance from the human-form replicator. Should we not leave them intact?” 

“I am in concurrence with Teal’c,” replied Thor. “But as her leader it is your decision to make, is it not, O’Neill?”

Everyone turned to look at him. Selfishly, he really, really didn’t want Carter to have any of these memories from him. Of his torture in Iraq, of… last year. He didn’t want her to have to suffer for something he’d been through. And, feeling sick at the thought, Fifth may or may not have raped her while impersonating him. Would Carter remember that? And if she did, would she hate him? Would she flinch at being near him? Would she wind up transferring off the team because she couldn’t stand the sight of him anymore?

Even if Thor were able to remove the worst of the memories, she’d still remember the details of being captured, even without what Thor deemed to be the ‘intense’ parts. Would she still be her when she woke up? Would it even work? Would she still be nuts? 

But Carter was strong. Easily more than he was, and probably just as strong as Teal’c was. And smart. No, super smart. And above all she was a soldier who would have tried all she could to learn from Fifth what she could. Like Teal’c said, maybe she _had_ learned something. And he knew that she would want her experience to have been worthwhile.

After a long pause of mulling it over, he finally gave his decision.

“Carter’s strong. She’ll be fine,” he said confidently. “And she wouldn’t have wanted it to be for nothing if she’d learned anything useful. Just get rid of the worst of the memories, but she keeps the rest.”

“Are you sure you’re okay with that, Jack?” asked Daniel. 

He knew what he was asking. He was asking if _he_ would be okay with Carter remembering... certain things. 

“This isn’t about me, Daniel,” he relied firmly. “I’ve made my decision.”

“Very well, O’Neill.”

As Thor moved the stone on the control panel, the pre-selected strips became enlarged as the other memories disappeared off-screen. Starting from the left, the orange memories began slowly disappearing one at a time, allowing space for the remaining images to shift over and become increasingly larger, becoming more discernible, and one by one they started playing like a silent gif. 

A supersoldier was staring down at her in a pit of smoking rubble, its wrist weapon aimed square at her. Gone. 

He remembered as he and T had just arrived in the nick of time to save her after she’d been hunted non-stop by that drone for over a day.

Giant spiders were swarming all around her while tiny ones buried into her skin. Gone. 

“Seven years and I never even knew Sam was scared of spiders,” muttered Daniel quietly, as Jack continued to watch the large screen. Neither had he. He wondered just how many things she, like him, had buried and hidden from her team members.

A hooded figure surrounded by candles in a red room that he didn’t recognize was visibly laughing as a Jaffa stepped forward and drove a pain stick into her. Gone. 

He met Teal’c’s eyes, who he shook his head to indicate that he, too, didn’t know the identity of this mystery Goa’uld. 

A bandage-wrapped body lay on a bed in an SGC isolation room, the nearby heart monitor flat-lining. Gone.

“Wait, Thor, okay, assuming that was her seeing me die just then,” interrupted Daniel, “will Sam forget that I died like that? And wow, that was weird to see.”

“The memories I am erasing are those which the human-form replicator recreated and modified to be used to inflict pain during her capture. Major Carter’s original memory prior to her capture is entirely intact.”

“Okay, that’s good.”

Suddenly Ba’al’s smarmy face appeared, giving Jack the instant urge to punch something, needing a flash of violence to vent the instant nausea he now felt, but was paralyzed by the sight of the knives now being raised, ready to be released and pierce his- or rather her- body. He urged himself to look away but his eyeballs were frozen, his entire body would not cooperate. Nothing would be able to quell the bile and hide his weakness from his teammates, that last last sliver of sanity was truly being stretched to the limit-

And then the next instant- though it had felt like agonizing minutes- the scene was miraculously erased. Gone.

Barely given a second to recover, the image had now been replaced by the sight of himself, naked from the waist up, his expression cold and vicious, ripping at Carter’s clothes in what was clearly a struggle. He was incredibly grateful he couldn't see Carter's face, as they were seeing the memory through her eyes. The image of the horror on her face would have been branded into his memory for an eternity. Finding his still-shaking limbs were cooperating this time, he successfully managed to turn away, also grateful that the playback was mute. Not that that stopped his mind from bridging the silence with recollections of her shouts and protests.

 _“Get off me! No! Please don’t do this to me again!”_

_"The real Jack O’Neill would never hurt me like this..."_

The memory of her whimpers broke his heart all over again, he couldn’t help but hunch forward in pain with tears he would not shed stinging his eyes. He knew, logically, that it hadn’t been him, but he couldn’t hold back the immense, overwhelming feeling of guilt now surging through every fibre of his being. He was the one who’d ordered her to betray Fifth on that planet and leave him behind. It was then his fault she’d been subjected to Fifth’s anger and torture. She’d only been following orders, and she had made her stance very clear at the time. And now she’d been punished for his command choice. It should have been him now facing the repercussions. Not her. His throat felt dry as he gulped at the thought that it was his fault she’d been in that galaxy at all in the first place looking for Thor before winding up captured. The blame was entirely his for her suffering. What if she was never the same after this, because of him? What would he do if that mega-watt smile never shone in his life again?

“Jack…” Daniel’s voice interrupted his dark thought process.

After a long pause and some deep breaths, he managed to croak a reply.

“Daniel…,” he growled in warning.

“Jack…” 

Christ, the guy never gives up, does he?

“Daniel, so help me if you try and make me feel better about any of this!” He did NOT want to be subjected to Daniel’s psychologist analysis right now.

“Jack, I know what you’re probably thinking, and none of this was your fault.”

He decided not to answer. He simply remained standing resolutely with his back towards the screen. He’d stick his fingers in his ears if he had to, he was not going to talk to the guys about any of this. Or look at any more scenes of Fifth’s torture of Carter.

“It is done,” came Thor’s voice, interrupting the tension. Jack hesitantly turned to see with relief that the monitor was indeed now blank.

Thor gave a small nod, indicating that it had worked. So Sam would never remember it had happened. Everything would be fine between them, right? And if so, now he needed to stop feeling sorry for his own ass and be strong for her for when she woke up. 

_*Beep*_

Beep? What the hell? Was Carter okay?! Did it work?!

“Curious,” muttered Thor underwhelmingly, and Jack saw as he slid his stone across the panel, and a new, lone, memory appeared at the centre of the screen. Once again, he saw with dread, that he was again the subject of the memory.

“Oh for cryin’ out loud! What now?!” 

He couldn’t help himself yell. The bad memories were still there! It hadn’t worked! What was he going to do? He knew he was showing that the stress of this entire situation was really getting to him but he was tired, cranky, hungry and so help him if he lost Carter...

“It seems the computer has selected an additional memory of considerable high intensity that occurred prior to her capture.”

He couldn’t help but feel irritated by Thor’s calm voice when he was so riled himself, but he forced himself to calm down enough to ask, “But the other bad memories are gone, right?”

“Yes, O’Neill.”

‘Thank god,’ he thought, the tiniest sliver of relief running through him, but still feeling very much on edge at seeing himself displayed on the screen.

The singled out memory ballooned in size until it took up the entire screen before beginning to silently play by itself. Deciding he wouldn’t look away this time and show any weakness, lest Daniel turn shrink on him again, he bravely chose to take in the image, seeing that on-screen-him was in an extremely dim room that he didn’t recognize. His face was being periodically lit orange by the machine flashing beside him before again being hidden in near-darkness. He watched as a zat was handed to him, and was surprised to see himself zat the crystals next to him, causing the machine’s flashing to increase in speed. He observed to his relief that at least the Jack in this memory wasn’t displaying any sign of violence or nasty intentions. If anything, he was calm and determined, quite the contrast to how he himself was feeling with knots in his stomach, beginning to dread what he might see next.

“Those are Goa’uld crystals,” Teal’c observed.

“Interesting,” murmured Thor, not looking at the video but reviewing some figures on another monitor. “The readings on this memory differ to those previously singled out.” He gave a swipe of the stone on the panel and Sam’s voice from the recording suddenly rang out.

“Sir, I think you should know that General Hammond authorized me to take command of the team if I determined it…”

“Do it now,” the other him interrupted. 

He racked his brain but couldn’t place this conversation. Was this a real memory?

“Sir, I don't think that's necessary yet.”

“I trust you…I'll make it easy for you…I resign. You're in charge.”

“Guys, I wonder if this is the engine room of the cargo ship we took when we were on our way to Proclarush Taonas,” Daniel suggested.

“Procla-where now?” he questioned, watching his other self tinker with crystals. That was weird to see. Not only that he’d dare do that knowing Carter would chew him out, but that he actually looked as though he knew what he was doing.

“If this is a real memory then should we be seeing this?” Daniel asked, though when Carter began talking again, none of the men seemed to be able to allay their curiosity.

“Sir, at your house before Daniel and Teal'c showed up, what I was gonna say was…”

“I know,” the other him said simply, cutting her off, and staring straight out of the screen. Or rather, he realized with a jolt, what would have been right into Carter’s eyes. He couldn’t believe how he was letting himself gaze at her like that: with such intensity, and raw emotion. He hadn’t allowed himself to show her anything like that- nadda, zilch, zip- since the Zark public conefssion and the whole P3R-118 mess that had forced him to stamp out any and all personal stuff between them to save their professional faces. Including in front of their own team members. 

He suddenly felt hot and exposed, seeing himself stare with such open love and longing for Carter. A part of him wistfully wished he could see how Carter was looking back at him, but that was dangerous territory. The events and emotions of the previous hour or so had already served to smash down several of the barriers he’d worked so hard to build up over the years. Perhaps it was better, he decided, to pretend that that wasn’t really him on-screen. Maybe this was a daydream of hers. Or if it were real, his brain had been addled by the Ancient head-sucker, right? That wasn’t the real him who was looking at Carter with those fiercely passionate eyes. No, definitely not.

The silence that followed between the on-screen pair made him uncomfortable; he was suddenly very aware that there were three other people watching the same recording and seeing those same, unguarded brown eyes of his. Daniel’s not-so-subtle cough to clear his throat further reminding him of the fact.

“Okay, so…,” started Daniel.

“Colonel,” Carter started, saving him from hearing the undoubtedly awkward thing Daniel was about to say. “Let me finish.”

“Yes, Ma’am,” he saw himself joke, referencing that she was now in charge. She gave a nervous giggle, making both on-screen Jack and himself smile exactly the same way. He saw himself close the crystal panel and look back at Carter again, giving her his full attention.

He heard her draw in a deep breath before she continued.

“You said it would be worth it to find the Lost City. You said it would be worth it if we find what we’re looking for to defend the planet.”

“I did. And it will be.”

“Will it?”

“Carter?”

“We both know what’s going to happen to you. We’re going to lose you bit by bit until you’re not you anymore-”

“The Asgard’ll save me again.”

“You know there’s no time for that now.”

“Well, going out saving Earth for the however-many-th time it is by now… that’s not so bad, is it?” His voice sounded bright, but there was no masking the sadness displayed in his eyes.

“What about me, Sir?” There was an equal, quiet sadness in Carter’s voice. 

His heart started hammering. She wouldn’t dare steer the conversation, _there_ , would she? But then again, she thought he was dying, steadily going wacko Ancient, and perhaps she thought this would be the last time they’d both be alone together. Ah, crap, he thought, as he braced himself. 

“Okay guys, seriously, I don’t think we should be hearing this anymore. Is nobody gonna ask Thor to stop it?” asked Daniel, walking away from the screen in protest, but Jack couldn’t muster any willingness to stop watching. He found that he needed to hear what Carter would say. And besides, Teal’c didn’t seem to have a problem, and that was good enough for him.

He turned his attention back to the screen, again finding himself wishing that he could see Carter’s expression. But the sound of the shaky-voiced, whispered confession that followed more than clearly painted the picture of her face.

“To me, Earth isn’t worth saving if you’re not there.”

“Carter-”

“You’re gonna die anyway,” her voice sounded like it was breaking, and that she was having to work to force the words out, making them louder. “Or even if you somehow, miraculously live, you won’t remember this conversation anyway, right?”

“Right, but…”

“So what have I got to lose?” 

And as his face started taking up more space on the screen he realised, with a jolt of apprehension, that she was closing the gap between them.

“I need to say it, Jack.”

His face became even more the focus, and he took a moment to quickly peer over to see Teal’c’s expression which was transfixed with a bemused, satisfied expression. Glancing over his shoulder he saw Daniel toward the back of the room, equally transfixed but with his eyes almost hidden behind both of his hands.

Unable to keep looking away for long, his eyes returned to the screen, and he could tell that the distance between himself and Carter had closed even further. His heart was pounding in his ears, hot blood coursing through his body as he imagined them stepping closer to each other until their bodies met. They would surely kiss, and then he’d be feeling the touch of her soft lips on his own, enjoying the taste of her mouth, and though he wouldn’t be able to see it he was sure he’d cup her nape with his hand and bring his other hand down to her lower back, pulling her into him. He’d feel her body pressed to his, smell her; he’d long fantasized about the moment they’d share a moment like this again since that last night on P3R-118 as Jonah and Thera...

The screen dimmed and he knew that Carter must have closed her eyes. Any moment now...

“My readings indicate that the memory is reaching its peak intensity.”

“Oh for cryin’ out loud, Thor!” Jack yelled out in surprise before he could stop himself. He’d been so engrossed in Carter’s memory and imagining himself kissing her that he’d completely forgotten that Thor was even there.

“I am unsure as to why the visual telemetry has been lost,” stated Thor, ignoring his outburst, and playing around on his control panel again.

“I believe that O’Neill and Major Carter are expressing their affection for one other through an intimate act of kissing,” Teal’c answered the Asgard’s question matter-of-factly, making Daniel to snort with amusement from across the room, and causing Jack himself to want to crawl into a bunkhead and hide forever.

The sound of lips parting came, and he saw his face reappear with a half-smile, half-sad expression.

“Maybe we shouldn’t have done that.”

“I don’t care, Jack,” came her whisper. He saw her hands come up to cup his face, caressing his lined features tenderly with each thumb. “I love you.”

Jack was frozen to the spot. He couldn’t breathe. His brain could barely process Daniel’s squeals of “Oh my god!” from behind him.

There was a pause, followed by, “I know,” and just as he saw himself tilt his head to the side, the screen turned black again as their lips joined again. 

_”I know?!”_ Daniel shouted incredulously from across the room. “That’s it? I know?! You didn’t even tell her you love her back!?”

The irritation of Daniel’s stupid question finally thrusted his brain into working order.

“Shut up, Daniel, that’s not even me!”

“Is!”

“Isn’t!”

“Is!”

“Isn’t!”

“You do not recall the events, O’Neill?” questioned Teal’c, purposefully quelling their argument.

“No! I barely remember anything after leaving the SGC. Definitely not this! This is probably just some daydream Carter had. This would never have happened!”

“Because you feel nothing for Major Carter?” Teal’c asked, eyebrow raised.

“Well- no, I’m not saying- I mean-,” he spluttered, and Teal’c’s smug look showed he was more than satisfied with his non-confession. “Oh for cryin’ out loud,” he eventually sighed in resignation, giving up on forming any kind of semblance of a strong, convincing answer to the contrary.

Another slurping, kissing noise interrupted the conversation and Jack wished a black hole would just come along and suck him out of existence. Or at least suck the shit-eating grin that Daniel was now wearing. 

A radio clicked into life and the on-screen pair sprang apart.

“Sam, Jack, this is Daniel, come in.”

The Jack on-screen flashed Carter a full goofy smile. “You can always trust Daniel with his timing, ‘ey?”

“Hey! What’s that supposed to mean?” asked the real Daniel, coming up to stand next to him and playfully punch his arm. “But yeah, I remember making this radio call.”

“As do I Daniel Jackson. This is indeed a true memory.”

“D’oh.” Just great, confirmation that this wasn’t in fact a fantasy of Carter’s. So he’d actually kissed her, and he wasn’t supposed to have remembered it- and he hadn’t!- but now Fifth and Thor had messed things up and he’d seen it! And she’d remember she’d kissed him, too, but she wouldn’t know he’d know, and he’d know she didn’t know that he knew. Argh his head hurt!

“Daniel, this is Sam, we read,” came Sam’s voice, and he couldn’t help notice that she sounded slightly out of breath.

“I don’t know what Jack did down there but whatever he did, it’s working,” continued Daniel’s voice from the recording, completely oblivious to what he had interrupted. “Bra’tac says our speed has increased almost fifty-fold and we’ll be there soon. You’ll wanna get down here now.”

“Understood, Sam out.”

“And there’s me wishing we had more time ‘til we get there now,” joked Jack, cocking his eyebrow.

“You know, you made the engine modification yourself, Sir.”

“I don’t even know how I did it!”

“Well that makes two of us, then.”

“Huh, for once I’m actually smarter than you Carter.”

And as she giggled in response he saw himself beam at her, and he couldn’t help himself smile, too. He envied how open he was able to be with her. He was envying himself for having kissed her, though he couldn’t say he envied the near-death part. But he was realizing that given the right circumstances, they still had it. That something they’d had three years ago that he’d had to stuff away in a box and completely deny for the sake of the mission and their duty to the planet. And now that box was busting itself open and he was finding that he was still very much- dare he think it- in love with her.

“You guys are really cute, you know,” said Daniel, nudging him on the arm again.

“Shut it, Daniel!”

But actually he agreed with him. They were good together. Or would be, ranks and regulations be permitted. But when she’d wake up she wouldn’t know he’d seen this. Nothing was supposed to have changed. He wasn’t even supposed to have survived, not that was unhappy he had, of course.

He saw that an awkward silence had fallen in between them. 

“I guess we should go to the bridge, then,” she said uncertainly as she looked towards the engine room door.

“Sam, he said softly and she turned back, looking at him. “I just wanna say.” He took a deep breath. “Just promise me this,” and she looked down, showing those watching that he had taken her hand. “Don’t dwell on me.” 

She was looking into his eyes once again. Those emotional eyes of his. Goddammit, when was this memory going to end? 

“Move on. Be happy. Live your life. Can you do that?”

After a long pause, a weepy-sounding, “Yes, Sir,” could be heard.

Both Daniel and Teal’c gave a sniff.

“Well that was surprisingly sweet, coming from you Jack,” joked Daniel. Not for the first time that day, the urge to punch someone rose up in him, but he chose to ignore it. His heart was in his throat. He didn’t know what he was feeling. Seeing himself say goodbye like this to Sam, it was both heartbreaking, but also hope-giving at the same time. All he knew was he was ready for this watch-a-thon to be over.

“C’mere,” he heard himself say.

“Okay, okay, Thor I think we’ve seen enough! Can we just stop it there?”

“Very well, O’Neill,” and the screen finally went blank for the last time. “I must confess I am unsure as to what has transpired, but I do not believe this memory poses any ill to Major Carter. I trust we can leave it untouched?”

“Yes, leave it.” 

For the sake of the team, a tiny part of him didn’t want Carter to remember that she’d kissed him. He even had half a mind to ask Thor to lobotomize all of them so that none of them would remember what they'd just witnessed and they could go back to how things were, but it wasn’t for him to change the past. She’d made her choice, and she’d chosen to kiss him! She’d told him she loved him! And though he wasn’t supposed to have remembered, he now knew, too. And on top of that, Teal’c and Daniel had seen and heard everything as well. Well, wasn’t this all just swell.

“I still can’t believe you didn’t tell her how you really feel.”

“Can it, Daniel!”

“Do you intend to tell Major Carter what you have witnessed?” 

He paused. He actually had no idea. How could he? He was her commanding officer, alive and well. He had no place to. Broaching the topic would be beyond unprofessional. But secretly, he was already imagining how it would go if he told her. He already desired to kiss her again and this time sear every detail of the touch and taste of her lips into his memory.

“I don’t know, Teal’c, I don’t know,” he said running his hand through his hair, trying to stamp out the image of kissing his second-in-command, who was still lying unconscious on the table in the middle of the room. “I need to take a break.”

And he set off out the room towards the bathroom that Thor always set up on his ships for his occasional human passengers, trying not to hear Thor asking Teal’c about the intimacies between humans.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed that, shippers! In the next chapter Sam will be awake, herself, and perhaps Jack will even get a chance to talk to her :D  
> Chapter 4 might be the last chapter, but it might not if my brain goes off on a tangent. Stay tuned!  
> In the meantime comments and feedback are of course most welcome!


	4. Everybody Knows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All aboard the fluff train, choo choo!  
> Warning: some explicit content

**_Two hours later_ **

“Are you sure you’re okay Carter?”

“Yes Sir, I just- I just remembered something and forgot where I was, I guess. I’m okay, Sir.”

“You have a flashback, or something?”

“Yes, Sir. Something Fifth made me see. I didn’t mean to worry you guys, I’m fine.”

She’d woken up a little over half an hour ago, and though she was being unusually quiet and hadn’t spoken about her capture yet, she was most definitely not about to flip and go wacko on them again. Plus, she certainly seemed lucid; knowing who they were and where she was. So round two was at least going vastly better than round one. 

Thor had anticipated before she’d awoken that it would still take time for her brain to process the three weeks’ worth of experiences she’d gone through in such a short time, but at least the memories she was working through wouldn't be intense or damaging. Theoretically, anyway. Thor had also taken the opportunity to heal her injuries- self-inflicted or otherwise- to avoid any confusion for her.

Upon waking up this time she’d been extremely surprised to see him, as well as looking as immensely relieved as he himself had felt. No death glares, no coldness; nothing but warmth and gladness in her eyes to see him safely unfrozen and Ancient-free. She’d bought the story of his and her rescue without question; happy that her plan to save him had worked, and was glad to be on the way home and be putting almost an entire galaxy between her and Fifth.

After a period of quietness, she’d jumped at the call of her name by a concerned Daniel, and then excused herself ‘to get some air’. Not that that made any sense when one was on a spaceship, but he and the guys had understood that she might need to be alone. Except, after ten minutes when she hadn’t returned, they’d started to worry, and silently agreed that it would be he who should go to find her. Thor’s sensors had located her in a corridor a little way to the port-side of the ship, and that was precisely where he’d found her, huddling against the wall, shaking.

“Look, Carter, you don’t have to talk about what that son-of-a-bitch did to you until you’re ready, but know that we’re here for you when you are. And Teal’c and I have been through it before, we both know how those replicators really screw up your head.”

“Thank you, Sir. I know.” She took a steadying breath. “Actually, I don’t really know what happened to me, it’s all a bit of a mess right now. Teal’c said I was gone for two days but it felt like weeks.”

“I get it, it’s okay. Should I leave you to be by yourself?”

“No!” she said too suddenly. She seemed to regret her sudden answer, hastily adding, “-if you don’t mind, stay with me.”

“Sure.” 

He noticed that she kept peering down towards the far end of the corridor with a grimace on her face. 

“Expecting to see something, Carter?”

“No, no, of course not. I’m just being stupid.”

“Carter,” he couldn’t help but snort, “you are anything but stupid. Believe me.” Then he took a pause to indicate he was being serious now. “You wanna tell me about it?”

She hesitated, then, keeping her eyes locked on the corridor’s end as though ashamed to make eye contact, she confessed: 

“I know it’s not real but I just can’t shake this memory. I feel like one of Anubis’ drones is going to appear from around there. I can practically hear its bootsteps”

“Ah.”

“I know you defeated Anubis, which was an incredible sight by the way,” and she gave him a huge, beaming smile, making his heart skip a beat with pride, “and we’re not even in the Milky Way so they couldn’t possibly be here, but-”

“But you feel like there’s one here nonetheless.”

“Yeah, stupid I know.”

“Well, you know me and stupid go hand-in-hand,” he said jovially, getting an eyebrow raise from her, and he started to mime loading and setting up a weapon, pretending to take the safety off and holding it steady. 

“What are you doing, Sir?”

“I’ve got my imaginary P-90 for your imaginary goon.” 

“Very funny, Sir,” she said sarcastically, but he succeeded in getting a giggle out of her nonetheless.

Humour had always helped him when he was recovering from trauma. In fact, it was the only thing he’d found that had ever helped. He didn’t do talking about feelings well at all, so he was determined to help Carter the only way he knew how.

“Yep, that’s me, funny and stupid. How about we duck into the nearest room to hide out before your drone finds us?”

“Sounds like a plan, Sir.”

“Okay, you take point, I’ve got your back.”

And he gave a chuckle as she, too, followed suit and pretended to hold a weapon, scouting the empty corridor.

They tracked backward, soon coming to a stop outside a large door that he hadn’t noticed earlier when looking for her.

In silence he gave the military hand signal for her to open the door and that he’d have her back. She nodded in confirmation. The door rose up at Carter’s hit of the side-button, and his ears were immediately hit by the loud sound of humming as a pulsing purplish-glow radiated out from the widening entranceway.

‘Of all the goddam, motherfucking rooms on the ship it just _had_ to be the engine room!’ he thought. Yep, this had definitely been a stupid idea, he thought.

“Clear!” shouted Carter, having finished with surveying the room with her pretend weapon, but he was no longer in the mood to play the game. 

And the door closed behind them, leaving them once again alone together in a darkened engine room.

\------  
**The bridge**

Thor, Teal’c and Daniel were tracking the two little dots as they slid along the map displayed before them.

“It appears that they have entered the ship’s engine room,” observed Teal’c.

He met Daniel’s eyes and they both shared a knowing look.

\------  
**Engine Room**

“Wow I’ve never been inside the engine room of an Asgard vessel before!” Carter exclaimed with excitement; all thoughts of being stalked by one of Anubis’ drones apparently forgotten.

“Talk about a kid in a candy store,” he grumbled, still put out by the predicament he’d found himself in.

She flashed him a grin before hastily running around taking a peek at the various consoles and displays around the room.

The sight of her darting about lifted his mood and put a smile on his face. He would never grow tired of watching Carter gush over alien technology. Her enthusiasm and passion for learning and trying to understand new things was not only a key aspect to the dynamic of their team that had led to them saving Earth multiple times, but it was also the first of her personality traits that had led to him being instantly enamoured with her during that first mission together. 

He could feel the grouchiness in him lifting away. He was content to simply stand there, admiring the way she was investigating every nook and cranny of the room.

She was now opening up a panel under what looked like the main console, revealing a tray of crystals that popped out.

“Wow, look at these!”

He watched as she marvelled at the crystals. Her eyes were wide in awe, and a huge smile was painted on her face as she examined the complex configuration.

“Don’t worry, Carter, I’m not gonna fiddle with them this time.” 

Oh crap.

Did he really just say that?

He saw the smile on her face fall in an instant as she met his eyes.

Yup, it seems he _did_ really just say that.

Maybe being frozen for two months had destroyed some crucial brain cells. Or maybe having the entire knowledge of a super-genius alien race downloaded into and then erased from your brain not once but _twice_ had made several screws loose in there. Or maybe he’d been so caught up in the sight of her that his brain had turned off altogether. Either way, Carter was a smart woman, and he could trust her of all people to cotton on.

And sure enough, her eyes were locked onto his in carefully scrutiny.

“Sir, can I ask how much you remember after you had the Ancient repository downloaded into your head?”

D'oh. He was so busted.

“Oh you know, same as last time, not that much after I started speaking Ancient.” He tried to sound as casual as possible, but her eyes remained narrowed.

“I see,” she said coolly.

“Well, I remember talking about Uma Therman, and Danny the lightweight getting drunk on one beer at my house, and who could forget Teal’c’s shirt, right?”

That would have normally have easily gotten a laugh out of her but it seemed she had no intention of making this easy for him. 

“What did you mean when you said about fiddling with the crystals this time?”

Oh boy, he was in trouble.

“Oh you know, how you always yell at me for touching your doohickeys…”

Hah, that probably sounded about as convincing to her as it did in his own head. Which it didn’t, at all.

“I never yell, Sir, and you know better by now not to touch things anyway.”

Yeah, she certainly wasn’t buying it, and if anything there was a streak of irritation in her voice. She knew he was lying to her, and feebly so, too.

“Sir, if there’s anything-” but she trailed off. She looked scared. She was taking a big gamble to say anything at all to him. If he didn’t remember anything at all, her questioning would certainly be suspicious. Not to mention her previous statement and annoyed attitude had been borderline insubordinate.

The silence between them grew. They surveyed each other in a stand-off. While she was likely weighing up whether to press further or to back down, he himself felt a sense of guilt grow. She’d just been kidnapped, hurt, tortured, and god-knows-what, had her memory modified, was having flashbacks, hell, she thought there was a goddamn drone waiting for her outside, and now her commanding officer- her friend, even- was lying to her. How could he do that to her? 

Besides, he didn’t know how much of what Fifth had put in her mind about him remained. Was their relationship already threatened by the memories she had left? Was she going to end up hating him? Would lying to her break the last bit of trust she had of him?

He made up his mind. He’d come clean. She’d saved his life by risking her own, coming all the way out to another fricking galaxy to save him. He owed her the truth. She deserved nothing less.  
He took a deep breath, steeling his nerves. 

“Carter,” he began. It was now or never. “I know.”

“Know, what?” She looked utterly confused.

“I _*know*_.”

He saw the moment in her eyes as she put two and two together, matching his words to those he’d spoken in the cargo ship engine room. Her face switched from confusion to panic in a nanosecond.

“You know?!”

“Yes.”

“You remember being on the cargo ship?”

“Yes.”

“And what we- did?”

“Yes.”

She buried her face in her hands. “Oh my god.”

“Sam…”

“Sir, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have done that,” she said, finally reappearing from behind her hands, face blushing furiously. “I had no right to take advantage of the fact that I didn’t think you’d remember.”

“Yeah, funny how I remembered that, actually…”

“Oh god. I’m really sorry, Sir. If you want to write me up-”

“What? Are you kidding? No, of course I don’t! And enough with the apologizing, already! The only thing you should be sorry for is what a huge cliché deathbed confessions are- you should know by now how I feel about clichés.”

To his relief he finally got a chuckle out of her for that one, and began to relax at the breaking of the tension between them.

“And besides,” he braved stepping closer to her, “I seem to recall that I kissed you back.”

Her face instantly turned crimson, but she was smiling at the memory.

“That you did, Sir.”

He couldn’t help himself smiling right back at her. She looked absolutely adorable. Face flushed and bright-eyed, she looked radiant, and so far-flung from the Carter who’d stared at him coldy with such loathing hours ago. He wanted nothing more than to kiss her right there and then, and he saw what he thought might be hope on her face. Was she expecting him to kiss her? Was she waiting for him to make a move? _Should he?_

The seconds stretched on. He felt the need to say something- anything- before the moment fizzled into awkwardness.

“You know, we’re even now.”

“Sir?”

“Remember P4X-639?”

“Urm…?”

“It’s one of the few planet designations I can actually remember since it was etched into my brain while I was repeating the same day and mission over and over again.”

“Oh! The planet with the Ancient device that drew energy from a geological storm-,” her eyes grew wide in realization, “wait, are you suggesting you-?”

“Kissed you while I was looping? Yes, that’s exactly what I’m suggesting.”

She simply stared at him while her brain processed this new revelation. To his relief she didn’t look angry, or hurt. On the contrary, she was looking quite pleased. A grin played on her lips.

“Did I kiss you back?” she dared to ask.

“Yah, sure you betcha,” putting on his best Minnesotan drawl.

And she full-on beamed at him. It was infectious, he couldn’t help but grin right back. She was just beautiful.

“You know it’s not really even if I don’t remember that time,” she said, still blushing but cocking an eyebrow up coyly.

She was totally baiting him, and unlike those pesky fish in his pond a galaxy away, he was going to take what was being dangled in front of him.

“You’re right, that doesn’t seem very fair, does it?”

“No, it doesn’t.” 

“Well, Carter, you’re the ideas girl- what do you say we do to fix this dilemma?”

“Well, maybe you could tell me how it happened?”

He swore he hadn’t even noticed her making her way so far into his personal space. They were only standing inches apart.

“Well, urm you were in the Control Room, analyzing the energy overload in the gate before the start of the next time loop…”

Her sudden proximity to him was making it hard to think. 

“I see, and where were you?”

“I, err, went to get changed out of uniform, and then I handed in my resignation letter to Hammond right in front of you.”

The memory of what he’d done next was making his heart hammer in anticipation.

“Did I know about the time loops?”

“No, urm, none of you did that time.”

“Then I imagine we were very surprised.” Her voice had a flirtatious lick to it, making his breath catch in his throat.

“Oh you were,” he croaked, “especially when I announced in front of everyone that I was resigning so I could do this-”

And with a jolt of adrenaline, he moved forward to cup her face with both hands, bringing her lips to his in an instant, before reaching round to dip her. She melted into his body, completely submitting to his tight support. The kiss was frenzied and passionate, each fervently reveling in the feel of each other’s mouths and bodies. He felt one of her hands slip under his shirt, running along the bare skin of his back, sending shivers along his spine, while her other hand played with his hair before pulling his head closer to hers, deepening the kiss.

He welcomed the invitation and claimed her mouth his own, delving with his tongue and delighting in the moan that he elicited. He was determined to sear the memory of every taste and feel of her- and most definitely the sound of that moan- into his brain.

He could feel the shape of her breasts and the heat from her body below pressing up into his. His building arousal was becoming painful, and he couldn’t help himself from pressing his hardness into the side of her thigh in an attempt to relieve pressure. Another moan left her lips as she responded by shifting herself under him, trying to get her leg around his to bring her core up closer to his, but the shift in weight left them falling back onto the floor, leaving him straddling her. They broke the kiss, breaking out in laughter.

“Wow,” she said breathlessly.

“You can say that again,” he chuckled.

“Definitely wow.” He saw that her eyes were darkened with need. “I want you, Jack,” she said, and she grabbed his hips with both hands, pulling his hardness down into contact with her centre, expressing exactly what she wanted from him.

“Sam…,” he growled. His brain was still sluggish from the kiss. He didn’t know why he was protesting, probably just a force of habit. All he knew was he _definitely_ wanted her, too.

“Now.”

“Yes, Ma’am,” he said, echoing the words he’d spoken in the other engine room, bending down to meet her lips once again in a passionate kiss.

\------

**Bridge Room**

“I am detecting that O’Neill and Major Carter’s rates of respiration and heart rate have significantly increased. I shall transport them here in case they are in any danger.”

“NO!!” shouted Daniel, making a dive forward and practically batting away the stone Thor had been holding. 

“Err, sorry, here you are,” he said, picking it up and giving it back to the bewildered-looking alien. Thor would never understand the peculiar behaviour of humans.

\------

**Engine Room**

Blissfully naked, arms wrapped around the warm, soft, feel of Carter’s form, he was feeling so fulfilled just lying there in post-coital glow, feeling the rise and fall of her breath in time with the humming and pulsing of the engine beside them.

_“I still can’t believe you didn’t tell her how you really feel.”_

The memory of Daniel’s scorn interrupted his moment of contentment. He cursed himself for thinking about Daniel at a time like this, but he was right. He should have told her that time on the cargo ship, but he hadn’t. He was being given a second chance now and he didn’t want to lose it. He was tired of nearly losing _her_ every other mission. Or thinking he’d lost her. Or actually losing her- hell, he’d even been the one to actually kill her one time- he grimaced to recall. He just couldn’t face any of that again anymore without her knowing how he felt about her.

“Sam...”

“Hmm?” She sounded as though she was waking from a blissful sleep. He guessed she’d been enjoying the moment of peace in his arms just as much as he had.

“I didn’t say it back to you at the time because I thought I was a dead man and I wanted you to move on and be happy, but I’m not dead. We both made it.”

“Sorry, you didn’t say what?”

He twisted round in their embrace to see her face and couldn’t help but place a gentle kiss on her forehead. She looked so adorably confused and sleepy.

“On the cargo ship. When you told me you love me. I didn’t say it at the time, but I want to say it now. No, I _need_ to tell you. I love you, too, Sam.”

And they kissed again, this time slowly and tenderly, before she pulled away, caressing his face with her hand and whispering, “I love you too, Jack... but what do we do now?”

Yeah, he’d been thinking about that, too. It felt all good and safe to be flying on a ship a galaxy away from the nearest military court hearing, but they’d be back at the SGC in a few hours, and he’d be back to being her Commanding Officer again.

“I know, I probably shouldn’t have said it but I just felt that you deserve to know how I feel about you. But I’ll leave what we do next with you. Your career’s worth more than mine. If you ask me, I’ll stuff it all back into that room all over again and we can pretend none of this ever happened-”

“But what if I want more?”

“But if you want more...,” he could feel his heart buzz with hope, “surely the President must owe me a favour or two by now what with saving the planet so many times. Maybe he can pardon us?” 

Sam’s eyebrow raise instantly shot down that idea.

“Okay maybe not. Or... maybe I could talk to Hammond about getting me retired again. I’m getting too old for all this dying for the planet thing, anyway.”

“How ‘bout let’s just cross that bridge when we come to it?”

“Hey, if we’re talking idioms, I was thinking more ‘let’s have our cake and eat it’.”

“I like cake,” she said smiling.

“Ever heard of a blue jello cake?”

“A blue jello cake? No Sir, I can’t say I have.”

“Well neither have I, but I was thinking let’s try and make one when we get home?”

“My place or yours?”

“I don’t care, as long as you’re there, as naked as you are now, and there’s cake. That’s all I need.”

“I know,” she said, snorting in amusement. “But for now, maybe we should get less naked and head back to the bridge, the guys are probably wondering what happened to us.”

“Hah, fifty bucks says they’ll know.” 

“Actually, Sir, you still owe me from the crossword two months ago.” 

“Hey, no fair! I was frozen the whole time, and how do I know that’s even true? Maybe I already paid up but I just can’t remember?" He put on a pouting face. "Are you trying to cheat me, Carter?”

“How about we just call it even then?” she said, laughing.

“Deal,” he said, picking up his previously discarded shirt and pulling it over his head. “Ready for the walk of shame?”

"Ready as I'll ever be," she said, tying her bootlaces.

And together they walked hand-in-hand back to the bridge room, where the occupants did indeed know. Well, two of the occupants, at least.

THE END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's the end! Thank you for reading! This was actually the first fic I started writing, and in total took me almost 5 months to write as I kept abandoning it and coming back to it bit by bit!  
> I am strictly a canon writer but after all the angst of the first two chapters (as well as the last two storied I posted) I needed some fluffy levity.  
> I'd love to hear your comments and feedback :)


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